Monday, February 02, 2004
Attention Christmas Schlockers
Recently, Adam, Chris and I found ourselves in a Kay Bee toystore. If there were ever a reason not to have children—particularly the ungrateful sort—the prospect of shopping at Kay Bee would be it. The trip was not entirely unproductive, though; there were several items of interest: the Osbourne trivia game, a PC application called Will Writer, Glam Rock Skeletor, various singing creatures and stuffed animals suffering from Graves' Disease. Look, mommy, look! When I squeeze Teddy, his eyes...bulge...even...more?
Of greater horror was this, the toy industry's most recent attempt to violate God's first commandment. And like any mythical beast, this newest version of Talking Barney has several tragic flaws. First is its size--it's almost three feet high. Second is the amount of force required to operate said Talking Barney; Barney's paunch is so thick that slight pressure is not enough to get him speaking. You really have to punch the fucker if you want him to spread the good word and then giggle like a skank. A transcript of the courtroom proceedings:
[Peaches Malloy elbows Barney in the gut.]
Peaches Malloy: Why won't you return my phonecalls?
Barney: Everybody loves a hug...hey hey heyhey.
Adam: You can't argue with the bear.
Peaches Malloy: Hey hey heyhey.
Of greater horror was this, the toy industry's most recent attempt to violate God's first commandment. And like any mythical beast, this newest version of Talking Barney has several tragic flaws. First is its size--it's almost three feet high. Second is the amount of force required to operate said Talking Barney; Barney's paunch is so thick that slight pressure is not enough to get him speaking. You really have to punch the fucker if you want him to spread the good word and then giggle like a skank. A transcript of the courtroom proceedings:
[Peaches Malloy elbows Barney in the gut.]
Peaches Malloy: Why won't you return my phonecalls?
Barney: Everybody loves a hug...hey hey heyhey.
Adam: You can't argue with the bear.
Peaches Malloy: Hey hey heyhey.
Sunday, February 01, 2004
In the name of the Blather
I have to apologize for that last post on boredom. Halfway through the post, I decided that I wasn't going anywhere good. So I declined to go anywhere at all. Of course, it would have been nice if I had remembered to delete what I had written. Yes, yes: mea culpa. Pleased to be absolving me?
A few other things to confess, Father.
—I have committed blasphemy, taking our Lord's name in vain and often using our Lord's name in conjuction with "fuck," eg, "Jesus, fuck me now, these socks are so cheap."
—I have envied Alan Cumming...no, not his lifestyle or his fame...his hair. Yeah, and that suit he wearing in the commericial.
—I treated my neighbor as I would want myself treated...My son, that's not a sin...I know, I know, but in treating her the way I would like to be treated, I was wholly aware that we like to be treated quite differently.
—Oh, fuck. Did I mention I'm Jewish?
A few other things to confess, Father.
—I have committed blasphemy, taking our Lord's name in vain and often using our Lord's name in conjuction with "fuck," eg, "Jesus, fuck me now, these socks are so cheap."
—I have envied Alan Cumming...no, not his lifestyle or his fame...his hair. Yeah, and that suit he wearing in the commericial.
—I treated my neighbor as I would want myself treated...My son, that's not a sin...I know, I know, but in treating her the way I would like to be treated, I was wholly aware that we like to be treated quite differently.
—Oh, fuck. Did I mention I'm Jewish?
